Moulting

A frantic phone call from my wife a few nights ago- something was wrong with the lizard.

Within an hour she relaxed: it wasn't some horrible white growth taking over his entire body... little Monk was moulting for the first time. Big curves of paper-white skin came off his body. I didn't get a chance to watch it happen (the whole thing was over before I got home that night), so i don't know if he just sat there and his old skin fell off of its own volition, or if he worked it off somehow.

Either way, in the morning he was a whole new lizard- bright green, slightly more obvious hints of his adult markings, and a whole new bigger, more grownup look. It's like he shed the toddler and revealed the little kid waiting inside.
Insert poignant talk about change and growth here.
But really, just check out the wicked photos.

Raisin in the Sun

My wife and I wandered into a pet shop in our neighbourhood the other day, seeking crickets (Lizard Guy's Shop of Wonders was closed). There was a baby chameleon there. He was in the wrong sort of cage (long instead of tall, all glass, no ventilation). Seeing him made us feel good about how good we are to little Monk, and terrible about the little gaffer there in the pet shop. He was brown and tiny, sunken-eyed and shriveled, more like a sad raisin than a well-adjusted reptile. What were we supposed to do? Rescue it? Start all over again with Chameleon Number Two? We left the shop, sad. I went home and stared at Monk, green and happily lizardish, for half an hour without moving from my spot.

Tempus F*@it

Five Years.

Veiled Chameleons live five years. Seven if you're really, really good at keeping them alive. That means the little reptile has about 4 years 9 months and 3 weeks left to live.

I was thinking today about how narsty it will be the day we come downstairs and find a psychedically coloured pigeon-sized reptile dead in his cage. I guess finding your Great Dane or the Gas Meter Reader Guy would be worse. I think they say that dead pets teach children valuable lessons about the circle of life. I've never heard them say anything to the adults that have to dispose of them.

I do not know where one puts a dead chameleon. Is that a green bin item? Compostable?

He's three times the size he was when I brought him home a couple weeks ago. Makes sense... he's got a whole arc of a life to fit into that little half-decade space: speedy childhood, a couple months of crotchety adolescence, a diploma in three weeks (welding), middle age for a year, mid-life crisis for an hour and a half (starts dating outside of his subspecies, drives impractical car), a happy retirement perched in the branches.

I'd like him to live to old age, to see the whole show, you know? Yesterday morning he was growing a chunk of crystallized salt out of his nostril- a sign that we've been over-supplementing him with minerals. It isn't a serious problem, and since I noticed it so quickly it's easy to reverse, but it was still the first time I found myself less than perfectly confident that despite our inexperience we could keep the little bugger alive.




I really don't want to kill that chameleon.

Announcing

The little gaffer has a name.

Ssshhh...

I like how even The Loud and The Fast turn into The Quiet and The Slow while they are watching him.

We let friends and visitors know that the little man will probably be more comfortable if they keep their heads lower than his eye level (they naturally scramble up away from predators, so they feel King-Of-The-Hillish when they are higher than everybody else), and so just walking into the room where he lives has a certain resemblance to entering a Holy Place. We the Keepers get slow and quiet when we usher them in (unnecessarily slow and quiet maybe). They the Visitors either crouch down in a half-kneel, or sit on the little couch next to his enclosure with their head lowered.

Maybe when he's full grown we'll require bare feet and robes for all supplicants.

And then, watching him... you can't help but gentle down. His slow, careful, graceful movements and his absolute silence get to you.

I've never seen my brother-in-law more peaceful as during the 20 minutes he sat alone in the room with the little gaffer. Just watching. He didn't say a word.

The Delicate Genius

He Will Only Drink Water That Drips From Leaves: If you give him a dish of water he will crap in it but won't recognize it as the same substance that he sucks off of leaves, and he will subsequently die of dehydration, standing knee-deep in water. His enclosure needs to be misted many times daily. At some point we'll spend some money on an automatic thing that does it for us, like that magic moment in the Produce Section when the spinach and zucchini get their misty spray.

He Doesn't Like Mist To Touch Him: And while you are misting the delicate genius' house several times a day, ensure that you don't mist him directly. Anecdotally, this has caused Dead Chameleon Syndrome to set in. His home is not that big... so he just creeps over to a corner and hates you until the spraying stops.

He Doesn't Like "Loud" Spray Bottles: And while you're spraying several times a day and taking care not to spray directly on him, please remember not to use a Windex-style spray bottle, since the repeated action of pumping the spray handle fills him with stress. People don't seem to know whether chameleons can hear or not, but whether sight or sound, he clearly hates the thing. Maybe it resembles some sort of bigger, angrier lizard somehow. His famous black-freckled, he-wants-to-die colour scheme pops up like magic at the sound of it. I had to go find another, kinder, quieter type of mister. I even pump it up in a separate room in case his majesty doesn't like that noise either.

He Cannot Have Glass Walls For His Cage: Because if he sees his reflection, he will think it is another chameleon and die of stress eventually.

He Should Not Have Dirt Or Bark On His Floor: Because he may suck up bits and pieces of it when he shoots his tongue at a cricket, and then he'll die of Wood Blocking His Intestines Syndrome.

He Cannot Be Handled Often: See post of a few days ago.

Extra Crickets Will Bite Him While He Sleeps: And then he may eventually die of aggravation. No kidding.

He Might Roast Himself To Death Accidentally: While they are still babies, their heat perception isn't fine-tuned enough and, if the sunlamp is too hot, they will lie there until they have third degree burns and eventually possibly die of Infected Third Degree Burns On Your Back Syndrome.

He Must Get Enough Vitamins: If he doesn't, we'll start noticing that his leg bones and his Hat Bone will grow curvy, which is a sign that he is dying of Metabolic Bone Disease.

He Must Not Get Too Many Vitamins: Or he may die of something else.

His Mesh Must Be Soft Enough For His Sensitive Toes: I went to Lizard Guy last night to stock up on crickets and I met a sick lizard with a toe infection and a dark brown (very attractive) stressed-out coloration. All his cage mesh must be coated with something that will protect his delicate toes. Also, when he's removed from his cage, you can't grab him, because he'll clutch at whatever he's hanging on to, and all his feet will break if you pull too hard.

He doesn't got a name again

It was Ignatius. Didn't take.

Crickets

I thought I'd feel like Vlad The Impaler, throwing live insects to a strange death every day. I thought my childhood love of The Cricket In Times Square (they don't hand out The Newbery to just anyone) would make me squeamish about sacrificing crickets to the Great Tongue. I thought it'd take some getting used to.

But then you bring them home and they rustle around making soft, horrible sounds, and they climb all over each other like the maggot/rice from The Lost Boys, and behave so loathsomely that you don't feel bad about chucking them into the ring to face the lions. Circle of life and all that.

The first night The Lizard came home, I had a tupperware container filled with crickets, egg carton pieces for them to hide in, and a whole lot of cricket food (looks like smaller dog food. who knew?). The problem with a tupperware container the size of a brownie pan filled with hopping insects is that there isn't a really easy way to open it up and get the few crickets you need. Attempting to prepare the little guy's first meal in his new home resulted in seven rogue crickets hopping around our kitchen (thanks for helping with the round-up, Trent).

I have since purchased something called The Kricket Keeper which is a clear plastic box, tall enough that the little creeps don't instantly hop out if you ever open the lid. There are two black tubes, open on the bottom and with a clear plastic lid on the top, which fit perfectly into two holes in the lid. Crickets, like evil people, prefer to live in dark tubes and so the moment they are in the box most of them crawl up into one of the tubes. The view through the clear lid down into the tube does not inspire.
All right, so a black tube can be pulled out of the lid (and a little trap door falls closed over the hole in the lid so escapees are thwarted). The right amount of crickets is easy to tap out, and then you slide the thing back in. So easy, and you don't have to lay a finger on one filthy cricket.


Did I mention that they cannibalize one another? They cannibalize one another.

They go from the kricket keeper into a tall plastic cup (so they can't hop out), where you dump vitamin powder all over them and shake them up till they are coated. Next stop is the cage floor. They aren't there for long.
Chameleons don't, as a rule, overeat. This means that it is conceivable that you may end up dumping more crickets in the cage than the little guy is going to eat. Further proof of their despicableness... any uneaten crickets must be removed from the cage before night falls, as they will torment and bite the sluggish and cold chameleon all night long. Nasty-minded insects and delicate geniuses don't mix.

Touchy Feely

Check this quotation from a Chameleon Message Board.


Chameleons should be regarded as strictly “look but do not touch” animals. Some, such as veiled chameleons are typically quite aggressive and can give a painful (although rarely very injurious) bite. Others rarely bite. Nevertheless, chameleons are solitary animals and handling is invariably stressful. Constant handling is a stressor that evokes the secretion of various hormones that, among other things, inhibit the body’s immune system. The result can be a dramatically shortened lifespan.

*sigh...

He's ready for his close-up, Mr. Demille

Until my wife and I watched Sunset Boulevard last week, I had no idea how creepy the original context of that famous line is. Anyway, a better camera came to visit, and here's a few snaps of the little gaffer.

He's got a name

but we're not saying anything about it till we try it out for a day or so. We were quite sure about Jack last week, but it didn't stick to the little man.

Discarded Names

• Augustus
• Banjo
• Benedict
• Dylan
• Eliot
• Elvis
• Gadget
  
• Jack
• John-Paul the Third
• Ken
• Kenneth
• Louis
• LunchBox
• Pascal
• Sonny
• Tango

When He grows up

He'll look something like this. Unbelievagable.

His Various Charms

His Crazy Feet- Make the Spock sign with your hands. That's what his toes are like. 3 fingers fused together on one side, 2 on the other- they look like muppet alien hands, and they stick to things and grab things and move all around.

His Disgusting, Amazing Feeding Spectacle- Rocket Tongue! As recorded in this random pic my wife found online! Disgusting! Amazing!


His Monkey Tail- He grabs stuff with it, hangs from it, stands on it when he's aiming for a cricket (Disgusting! Amazing!), and when he sleeps he curls it up into a perfect spiral like a spring fiddlehead.

His Swivelling Eyes- Both eyes are mounted on these bulging telescope cones that move around independently. He'll look at me behind him and my wife in front of him at the same time. The eyes are the windows to the chameleon soul apparently. If he's dehydrated the cones will sink into his head, apparently. If you use the wrong kind of light bulb it might damage the delicate genius' eyesight apparently. If he looks like he's sleeping in the daytime when his lamps are still on, eyes closed and still, there's probably something very, very wrong with him, apparently. They move around all day, almost never fixed on the same thing at the same time. Swivel, swivel, swivel, swivel.

He Loves The Bangles- He walks like an egyptian.

Still Nameless

Grace

These are some of the things we did right, even though I had no idea what I was doing.

***

1. I accidentally bought the animal from a good breeder. Basically anything we've done right since the little man came home is because of accidentally doing this. Pet stores are often not keeping chameleons in the right environment- and you learn pretty quick that these things are like spoiled rich kids- they get what they want or they get sick and they die. Apparently it's easy to unknowingly buy an imported chameleon that was caught in the wild, and the chance of you bringing home filth and disease goes through the roof then. I wandered in to a place where this groovy guy has been breeding reptiles for 15 years. He was respectful of his animals; they were clean and fed; and now that I know a little more I can see that they were well kept. He was also a smart breeder, bringing fresh blood into his gene-pools, keeping it clean, selecting for good traits. Quality lizard guy, I think so far. I have no more idea of how to find a good lizard breeder than you do, but here you can find a gateway to all kinds of chameleon resources. Just don't do what I did. Do your homework first and not after. We got lucky.

2. I accidentally put the lizard in a good environment. Quiet room, right size cage, right shape cage, right cage decoration, proper lamps. My Lizard Guy set me up with all the bits and pieces and strange powders and cricket foods and etcetera.

3. We gave the little guy a low-stress homecoming. Well, this is a lie. We overhandled him, as I said, on the first night, but after that, my wife and I just naturally backed off, and left him alone for the next couple days, except for his care. Lizard Guy told me that everything is great with this animal if you always remember to respect this animal. I learned a few fun tricks. These guys live in trees, and they feel safest when they are higher up in the tree than any visible potential marauders. So, if you keep your head below his eye level, he's a much more relaxed chameleon.

4. I started reading about Veiled Chameleon Care from multiple sources. I'm an idiot. I did this after I brought the thing home. You do this before.

***

Get a load of me pontificating on chameleon care. Four days ago my entire life was utterly without chameleons. I'm no expert, I'm just trying to take a snapshot of us figuring it out as we go along... Really, I'm just trying not to kill the chameleon.

Two Unrelated Lists

THINGS I DID

1. Bought A Chameleon on a Whim
2. Bought a Chameleon Without Researching Chameleons
3. Brought A Chameleon Home and Showed Him Off to Various Family and Friends By Repeatedly Removing Him From His Cage and Putting Him on Various People's Arms and Heads.

HOW TO KILL A CHAMELEON

1. Buy A Chameleon on a Whim
2. Buy A Chameleon Without Researching Chameleons
3. Bring A Chameleon Home and Show Him Off to Various Family and Friends By Repeatedly Removing Him From His Cage and Putting Him on Various People's Arms and Heads.

Who's Your Daddy? The Little Gaffer Arrives

The amazing lightning-bolt-brilliant woman I married is an animal lover. The amazing lightning-bolt-brilliant man she married is an animal lover too.

We started our life together three years ago with no animals of our own, but with a vague, shared certainty that one day an animal, a dog in particular, would be joining the family.

We were cured of the idea of instantly adopting a dog as newlyweds when our similarly newly-wedded friends bought Buster the Puppy. He played havoc with their busy schedules, broke things in their apartment while they worked, limited numerous newlywed freedoms, and came over one day to our house to pee on our duvet, the crown jewel of our wedding gifts.
Buster was soon adopted out to a lovely family who were ready for a good dog; Our friends were chastened- they'll wait a few more years before their next pet; We learned a valuable lesson- no animals till you're settled.

It's a few anniversaries and two apartments later. We move back downtown, a house of our own, all the space we need, no more apartment. Room for kids (one day), a dog (one day)- we're finally in a place we can settle. We feel settled. We are settling.

I'm wandering the new neighbourhood one night a couple weeks ago- checking it out- and I suddenly walk by a window full of lizards.

and I mean full of lizards.

I'm transfixed. I stare for twenty minutes. So many lizards.

I mention it to friends of ours over dinner later, and the normally docile Trent lights up, excited. He passed the same window a week ago. He rang the bell. He went inside. He saw baby chameleons the size of your thumbnail, and other reptilian marvels. My wife and I trade a few casual comments about the purely hypothetical not-disgustingness of personal lizard ownership, nothing more.

It is my day off, a few days later. I have no plans for the day. I wander to the bakery for coffee and an egg tart. The lizard window is across the street. I wander over. The keeper of the lizard window is having a smoke on the sidewalk. I say hello, strike up a casual conversation. The conversation quickly becomes intensely and only a conversation on the subject of lizards. A tour ensues, with several creatures laid across my hand, or on my shoulder. Something that looks like an alligator repeatedly tastes my ear with his tongue.

Then I meet the baby chameleons, little green monkeys with stick legs and telescope eyes swivelling around the room, bigger now than what Trent described. They are the length of a finger, bright green. I'm a little charmed: they are tiny, they are cute, they have that magic thing that all baby animals have, even ones that are going to grow up into butt-ugly maniacs. One of the little guys is placed carefully on my hand . I don't know at that moment what an honour this is- these are shy beasties, even when they are young. The little gaffer makes his way to the top of my head.

It's Tom that does it to me though. I spot him on the other side of the room, climbing around inside a six foot tall mesh cylinder filled with tree. Tom is a grown-up chameleon. He looks like someone stuck legs on a big, flat fish and then spraypainted it with a half dozen neon colours. I have never seen anything like this thing. He doesn't seem like he could be the same animal as the little green thing I just had crawling up my arm. I have never seen a lizard like this, blazing in colour like he's been graffitied. I can't stop grinning.

My conversation with the Lizard Guy turns serious. I start asking questions. He starts sizing me up, evaluating my sincerity. I look at other creatures. I watch Tom eat, prime-time nature-channel fabulous. Three hours later, and the Lizard Man is holding the door for me as I leave. I have a giant cage clutched to my chest, and a plastic bag full of strange paraphenalia hanging from one hand. In my backpack there is a baby chameleon.

A baby chameleon is not a Dog.

I'm trying not to think about it, but in my backpack there is also a big box, rustling with crickets.

When my wife comes home from work that night, I'm in the front hallway with the little gaffer perched on my arm. She loves him. I muse that perhaps I ought to have checked with her first.

He stays the night on our coffee table in the Living Room. We take him out of his cage two or three more times. We are gentle, careful. We pride ourselves on our responsible animal handling skills. We have no idea how much stress we are putting him through, over-handling him so soon after the terrors of The Move. He crawls across our friend Leah's sleeve and suddenly produces little black spots all over his sides, signs we can't read and don't understand about how he's feeling. We return him to his cage and he sits under his heat lamp, sulking and hating us and our big pink, grabbing hands.

At midnight I turn out his little lights and and move his cage to a quiet room. The little gaffer sleeps.

And this, by the way, has been the story of How NOT To Buy A Lizard. We've already made a few big mistakes.

But no worries, he's going to be really happy here.

So long as I don't accidentally kill him.

The Little Gaffer

Two days ago I brought home the Little Gaffer, a seven week old Veiled Chameleon, a baby boy.

We have no idea what to do with a baby chameleon. No Idea. Taking care of one of these things isn't easy, apparently, but we're already hopelessly infatuated and so we're determined to get it right, and raise a happy, well-adjusted and self-actualized chameleon citizen.

My wife and I just moved in to a sweet little house on a quiet street in the downtown core of a big city- steps away from the subway, the fruit stands, the bakeries, and, as I marvelled to discover one day, a breeder of lizards tucked away on a side street behind a foggy shop window.

And now, suddenly there's a baby chameleon living in our front room. My wife just turned off the little gaffer's lamps for the night a while ago. The effect of the sudden darkness is instantaneous, and very charming. He settles down on his branch in seconds, curls his little tail into a perfect spiral, and falls asleep. I'm about to do the same. I'll introduce you and tell you how he ended up here tomorrow.

Maybe by then we'll have stopped arguing about The Name. He doesn't have a name yet. We're still arguing about The Name. The problem is simple: she doesn't like Banjo, and I don't like Ken.

Our Mission- to keep the little bugger alive. You can read all about it and root for us here.